I have been dwelling on this post for a while now. It is not the most fascinating subject to spend time on. In fact, it is a subject that I don't really want to think about.... it is too damn depressing!
It is that very big scary question. The question that causes sleepless nights and that horrible little knot in the pit of my stomach. The question that rears its ugly head whenever I am planning a trip away from my child/children. The trip is two months away and already I am stressing..... I guess it wouldn't be so bad if we lived closer to family BUT we don't. Therefore I have to make a plan for the kids, just in case. I have to write a letter of wishes should it be needed. I have to leave numbers and instructions. I have to phone my family and tell them what to do, just in case! I imagine the worst case scenario and it plays inside my head. I visualise my family pulling together to collect my children.
This big bad question pops up at unexpected times. It is brought to my attention at support group meetings. It peers over my shoulder as I get closer to my birthday. It's rolling, rumbling, gathering speed. Generally I can grab that horrid thought and push it into a corner of my mind. I hide it behind the worries of creaky limbs, a forgetful memory and menopause. I stick my head back into that sand.
But I have this one constant in my life,.....a living, breathing kid with special needs. A kid who is going to be dependent on me for the rest of his life. Can you see where I am heading here?
I am getting older and my boy is growing so fast. His body has lost that wibbly wobbly puppy fat and his limbs have become very long and lanky. The face is all spotty and there is dark hair above his top lip. His voice has deepened and the *noises* he emits are reminiscent of the low rumblings of a lion! As for the other parts of his body, let's not go there......
Oops, I got a little side tracked!
It is not the growing up that concerns me. In fact I am really enjoying the growing up part. My worrisome thoughts are......... What do I do when he is all grown up? What do I do when I wake up one morning and realise that I am very old? How the hell am I going to look after him then. This is South Africa, people! As far as I know, there is very little in the way of residential care for adults with classic autism. What does he do when I am no longer here?
What will happen to him when I die?
I was given my child's worse case scenario when he was a wee tot. Never did I think that we would be living the worse case scenario. I certainly didn't realise that time would pass so quickly! We need to start thinking about our son's future because it is knocking on our door today!
To finish off my post I am going to share this little bit of video footage. It has been many years since I last saw Nick climb a jungle gym and this clip really puts a smile on my face.
I have now packed away that *question* and tonight I will be dreaming of my boy with the long skinny pins climbing up that jungle gym and shuffling down the slide!
Night night x