The one where you feel on edge and your body is wound up like a clock spring? You are holding yourself together so tightly, because if you don't, something might snap?
I am the mother of a child with special needs and for the last few months I have been craving a break. Sounds harsh, doesn't it? I am a mother; therefore the welfare of my child should come before mine! However, I think it is important to recognise that caring for a person with a severe disability is not an easy task, no matter how much I *ADORE* my child. There comes a time when some respite is an absolute necessity (I am speaking for myself here).
The type of respite that involves handing over of the care and responsibility of my child to someone else. The letting go of all the stress that comes from raising a child with complex needs. No more thinking about the food that he eats or doesn't eat. No more interruptions because the kid needs help with toileting. No more angst over the fact that he is having way too much screen time!
So, after nearly fifteen years of parenting an autistic child and approaching the age of fifty, I took some time out. For sure, I have left my child before, although there have always been those sneaky invisible threads holding us together. This time, I passed on the responsibility of those threads over to his father.
I hopped on a plane and traveled to another country.... and left the husband and kids behind.
I went home to spend my 50th Birthday with my Mum and three sisters. It has been eleven years since my Mum has had all four daughters under one roof, the downside of living so far away from each other!
It was brilliant, absolutely bloody brilliant.
I was away for three weeks and loved every minute of it.
The husband and kids managed just fine without me.
I didn't miss them. Not once!
As for 'that' feeling ~ it has now disappeared.