Sunday, July 8, 2012

My Reality ~ Holidays

We have just arrived back home after a weekend away. Due to a coffee stop on route, I found myself driving the remainder of the journey ALONE! This is practically unheard of... me alone? I turned on the radio and drove. For the life of me I don't know how I got home! My mind started wandering and I started thinking about my situation and then the REALITY of my situation. My mind went through a whole range of emotions. Sadness, despair, anger, extreme anger, acceptance, a bit more anger, a few swear words! Of course I realise why I feel this way and I also know that it will pass!

I came to the conclusion that in order to work my way through my emotions is to write about 'My Reality' So here I am.... blogging about some of the crap that I go through! I am not sure how many 'My Reality' posts I will write and my language may deteriorate somewhat, but..... here goes....


Holidays


At the beginning of each long holiday I tell myself, "I can get through this". I remind myself of how far I have come. I have moved on from those early days of feeling very low, despondent and downright depressed at having my child with me 24/7.... to embracing the fact that school holidays are a perfect opportunity to slow down, chill and just go with the flow! Holidays have become much easier with time.

Hah!

I have just got through two whole weeks of rolling whatever way the wind blows. I am talking autism, stimming, the constant tapping on my shoulder, code undies, the repetitive mind blowing dull day-to-day routine of feeding, bathing, going out for coffee, grocery shopping... and any other activity I can think of that helps to keep us occupied! I try to keep off facebook so that I am not constantly reminded of all the lovely things that *normal* families are doing with their days. That's right, I am not part of a normal family.... I am part of a very dysfunctional family unit! Oh sure, a lot of people will say that each family is dysfunctional in their own way, however, throw a special needs child into the mix and then you will REALLY know what I mean by dysfunctional!

Can you feel it people? Can you feel my anger coming through? Shit, I so want to be normal and I want my child to be autism free. I want to have a regular life without all this extra stuff.... 

It's okay, this is just me after spending two solid weeks with my child without much of a break. The tension starts building and my shoulders become stiff. I know that I am very irritable and that it wouldn't take much for me to lose the plot! I can hear my inner goddess bitch saying "don't give me any grief, because my comeback won't be pleasant!" This irritability is only a short term thing. As soon as I have a break and/or my life goes back to normal (Nick at school five mornings a week ~ me free for 5 mornings a week!) then I become my old self again! 

I need my space. I need my time alone. I need time out from 'My Reality'. 

Thankfully, I have a big treat in order to keep me on track. A reward to keep my temper in check. A reminder that I am soon going to have some time out.

As I was nearing home, the following song came on the radio. I pumped up the volume and cast adrift my negative thoughts.....

The only words I remember are.... "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Those words made me feel a little brighter! :)



16 comments:

  1. Thanks for being honest! It's a full life, that's for sure, but sometimes full gets to be too much. Feel the strength of your fellow dysfunctionites. We are all counting the moments until Monday too! (Those of us that are lucky to have supports in the summer I should say .. Many families I know don't even have that.)

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  2. hugs my precious friend
    find some time even if its 15 minutes in the shower to be alone

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  3. Lovely post full of truth... By the way: I hate that song!!!!! ;o)

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  4. @autismville ~ You are a wonderful fellow dysfunctionite (is that a word?!) and I know that you understand! Yes, we are lucky in that we can get respite and I wish I could help those that don't.

    @Floortime Lite Mama ~ Thanks for the hugs. I am fortunate that I have a few days of *timeout* coming up, so am hanging out for those!

    @Petra ~ I always wonder how honest I should be! I laughed so hard at your comment about the song, it is actually not a favourite of mine either. I am still crazy about Gotye!

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  5. Huge hugs Di, all it takes here is an average Sunday with an early start and 2 special needs kids all day and meeting their relentless needs. Turning the music up loudly helps me too xx

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    1. Thank you, Blue Sky! The joys, hey? I hope that you have survived your Sunday! xx

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  6. it is always ok to acknowledge and give space for all you feel - the good, the bad and the ugly.
    sharing your experiences helps us feel not so alone. As hard as it is to live this life sometimes, by being honest about it, you are bringing comfort to others walking a similar path - to know others feel similar things sometimes is often what makes living our realities that much more bearable.
    thanks for your words.
    take the pockets of 'you time' as often as you can. it is the best defence against the negatives that can sometimes overwhelm.

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  7. @Valerie ~ Thank you, I know that you do! :)

    @DQ ~ You are so wise, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Two more sleeps and I have a very large pocket of *me time*

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  8. Oh Gods - you sound just like me! 2 weeks of holiday down - 1 to go - hanging in there. My husband can see when I start going 'dark side' and orders me to 'go away'(out with friends and Smirnoff!!). I recommend the same to you :)

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    1. Hi Karen, you are very lucky that your husband can read you like a book! A night out with friends sounds like a great plan! :)

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    2. Hi Di,

      The husband is a clever boy but even a paper bag could tell when I'm going 'dark-side'. Subtle I aint! Hope you get a girls night out soon.

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  9. Alone in a car? What's that like? LOL It is such a novel thing with my men working half way across the country right now. It's not until I'm five minutes from the destination that I realize I could have listened to something else.

    Autism truly is a marathon. It never goes away. It helps to live for the next respite. I'm also thankful to see how far Pamela has come from those days where the only way she communicated frustration was by flinging herself on the floor, kicking and screaming.

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    1. @Bookworm ~ we both have our constant companions! I am always torn when it comes to respite.. it keeps me going, although I miss my boy when I am away from him. I am a bit behind on your blog posts... will have to do a catch up to see what Pamela has been up to of late! :)

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  10. I don't have anything to say except: I get it.

    Hugs.

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