We have just arrived back home after a weekend away. Due to a coffee stop on route, I found myself driving the remainder of the journey ALONE! This is practically unheard of... me alone? I turned on the radio and drove. For the life of me I don't know how I got home! My mind started wandering and I started thinking about my situation and then the REALITY of my situation. My mind went through a whole range of emotions. Sadness, despair, anger, extreme anger, acceptance, a bit more anger, a few swear words! Of course I realise why I feel this way and I also know that it will pass!
I came to the conclusion that in order to work my way through my emotions is to write about 'My Reality' So here I am.... blogging about some of the crap that I go through! I am not sure how many 'My Reality' posts I will write and my language may deteriorate somewhat, but..... here goes....
At the beginning of each long holiday I tell myself, "I can get through this". I remind myself of how far I have come. I have moved on from those early days of feeling very low, despondent and downright depressed at having my child with me 24/7.... to embracing the fact that school holidays are a perfect opportunity to slow down, chill and just go with the flow! Holidays have become much easier with time.
I have just got through two whole weeks of rolling whatever way the wind blows. I am talking autism, stimming, the constant tapping on my shoulder, code undies, the repetitive mind blowing dull day-to-day routine of feeding, bathing, going out for coffee, grocery shopping... and any other activity I can think of that helps to keep us occupied! I try to keep off facebook so that I am not constantly reminded of all the lovely things that *normal* families are doing with their days. That's right, I am not part of a normal family.... I am part of a very dysfunctional family unit! Oh sure, a lot of people will say that each family is dysfunctional in their own way, however, throw a special needs child into the mix and then you will REALLY know what I mean by dysfunctional!
Can you feel it people? Can you feel my anger coming through? Shit, I so want to be normal and I want my child to be autism free. I want to have a regular life without all this extra stuff....
It's okay, this is just me after spending two solid weeks with my child without much of a break. The tension starts building and my shoulders become stiff. I know that I am very irritable and that it wouldn't take much for me to lose the plot! I can hear my inner
goddess bitch saying "don't give me any grief, because my comeback won't be pleasant!" This irritability is only a short term thing. As soon as I have a break and/or my life goes back to normal (Nick at school five mornings a week ~ me free for 5 mornings a week!) then I become my old self again!
I need my space. I need my time alone. I need time out from 'My Reality'.
Thankfully, I have a big treat in order to keep me on track. A reward to keep my temper in check. A reminder that I am soon going to have some time out.
As I was nearing home, the following song came on the radio. I pumped up the volume and cast adrift my negative thoughts.....
The only words I remember are.... "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Those words made me feel a little brighter! :)