Dealing with change

Many moons ago, before I started with an RDI consultant, I devoured any RDI information that I could get my hands on. Back then, our only way to access the internet was with dialup. This was a laborious process and all very hit and miss (no facebook back then!). Thankfully I was directed to a proactive Yahoo group called RDI Mid Atlantic and it was a mine of information, hence most of our knowledge came from this site. *The site has since disbanded.

RDI has evolved and grown since that time, however, I picked up a few goodies that are still used to this day. The concepts are simple, yet hard to put into practice. I can vouch for this!

One of the most life changing concepts for us has been 'same but different'. If you have been following this blog for a long time, you will be aware that Nick was an extremely rigid child. Everything had to be the same and woe betide anyone who added a little variation to his static routine.

With the words 'same but different' in mind, we began to add teeny tiny variations to rigid patterns. For example; when at Speech Therapy, Nick would not tolerate anything on the table and with the sweep of his hand everything would go crashing to the floor! The Speech Therapist started out by placing a pen on the far corner of the table, reassuring Nick that it was fine to stay there. The table was as Nick liked it, yet it was a little bit different! After a few seconds the therapist removed the pen. Thereafter, each session Nick attended, the pen was put onto the table for longer periods. So on and so forth....

This was the start of helping Nick to understand that 'change' was okay. Variations to routine and order are scary to a child who needs the security of sameness, however, using the 'same but different' approach in everyday life successfully enabled Nick to become the young man that he is now.

Today is a prime example of how 'same but different' has helped him. I made arrangements for Nick to be taken home after school. I did this for a couple of reasons. (a) I was going out for lunch. (b) I want him to experience changes in his routine.

Unfortunately, it was raining heavily when it was time for Nick to go home. Bronny (who was taking him home) parked her car close to the school veranda in order to keep Nick as dry as possible. Due to the rain and some recent plumbing work, her car got stuck. Luckily she was able to get a friend to come and tow her car out of the mud! If this had of happened a few years back Nick would have become extremely stressed and unhappy. Today, he enjoyed the novelty of the experience and was keen to share his thoughts. "Nick loved being pulled out with the rope and was laughing and pointing at the rope saying oh no oh no."

Pretty huge, don't you think?

Autism and haircuts

With hair hanging over his eyebrows, Nick tossed his head in the manner of Justin Bieber. No matter that he pulled it off nicely, I was concerned that he would end up with whiplash!

Time for a trip to the Barber shop.

In the *old* days, just the thought of driving to the venue used to fill us with dread. Woe betide us if the regular girl wasn't there. Do you know that feeling of when you walk into a room and your heart sinks because *IT IS NOT THE SAME* as it was last time.... and the time before? Each part of a haircut experience was (dare I say it?) a nightmare. Nick would sit on my lap, screaming for Africa, as I hugged him tight and tried to deflect any blows landing on the poor girl behind the scissors.

We tried singing, counting, music, TV, cross voices and calm voices. We tried different towels around his shoulders. We tried clippers, scissors and a combo of both. I tried deep pressure, music therapy, head massage.

It wasn't pretty.

During this period of time we started working on the RDI concept *same but different*. Simply put, we added teeny tiny variations to anything and everything to do with Nick's day. Gradually he came to realize that it was okay to drive a different route to get home. He felt comfortable eating off a variety of plates, not just the same old one. He didn't become stressed if his daily schedule changed. We phased out his picture schedules because they were no longer needed. Slowly but surely, his world began to expand.

With each little variation in all aspects of Nick's life, he became more accustomed to changes in his environment. His stress levels dropped dramatically, as did mine! 'Same but different' is not the only component of Nick's increased resilience, however, it was a great starting point for us. It is also a concept that I still apply today.

Way back in the *old* days we headed home immediately after a traumatic haircut. It was all too much for Nick and the safe confines of home was the only remedy to help him feel secure again. Frankly, I also left the Barber shop feeling wrung out and gasping for a cup of tea!

Fast forward to today........

Nick was in the garden, swinging away merrily and stimming on his iPad.

I called out, "Time for your haircut".

By the time I had organised myself, he had come inside, put on his shoes and was heading to the car! When we arrived at the Barber (same Barber shop), we noticed that there were two new girls that Nick had never met before (different). I explained briefly that Nick was autistic and didn't talk. Kudos to the stylist, she treated Nick no differently from any other customer. She clipped and cut, manipulating his ears and neck. He also got a good old drenching from the water spray bottle. While this was going on, Nick and I took a photo and created a sentence on the iPad using the Abitalk app. No sweat!

Before returning home, we popped into a local restaurant for a cappuccino and milkshake. I also remembered that I needed to buy some flour for a playdough mix, therefore on the spur of the moment we also went shopping!

A not so regular mum and her not so regular teen doing regular stuff. I don't know about you, but I would call all this regular stuff a very big WIN. 

A little bit fruity!

I wrote the following in February, 2014.

 "I continue to worry about the cereal problem; and let's be frank here; eating cereal three times a day is not good. Thankfully I have friends who kindly kicked some sense into me and motivated me to start making changes. So, I have decided to start *the big food change*.

I tested the water by giving Nick the same evening meal as us; it didn't go down too well and I realised that the jump was too big for him. I needed to start off with a familiar food and slowly introduce new tastes and experiences. Fruit was going to be the best option to start with"

~~*~~

To date, all is going well and we continue to move forward one step at a time. Nick is still having cereal (the healthiest one possible!); however, it is only once a day and it is for breakfast.

Lunch time is the easiest option to introduce new foods as this is when I have more time to devote to making any changes. Nick has a freshly homemade fruit and vegetable juice for lunch, which generally consists of an orange, a small handful of baby spinach, two carrots and an apple. I always add in a fifth/sixth ingredient, depending what I have in the fruit bowl or fridge. Admittedly we are a bit stuck on having the same old juice but I am applying the concept *same but different* to introduce slight variations.*In order for Nick to not become 'stuck' on having a juice every day of the week, we do miss the occasional day.

Nick has always enjoyed eating apples, therefore I decided to use them as a starting point. Bananas were introduced as a second fruit; and as with anything new, I gave him two little pieces to try. Initially when we first started on this new food journey, Nick dug in his heels and refused to eat. I helped scaffold the situation by letting him know (visually) that he could eat his fruit and then have some toast! A little bit of bribery did the trick, although during the first few days Nick would sit there looking at the fruit for a good half an hour before eventually giving in! My only rule was that Nick wasn't allowed to leave the table without my permission. If he did leave, I made a little noise to get his attention and then indicate that he needed to come back. Amazingly he did!

We are still on the apple and banana combo, however, each day I put something different on his plate. Yep, that *same but different* concept! He is never wildly delighted with new tastes but will now endeavor to try them. There is also no more sitting there frowning at the food, although he will often try to feed me the *other stuff*. I just shake my head for "no" and he will pop it into his own mouth. Voilà, all over in seconds!

To be honest we still have a long way to go on this crazy food journey, although Nick has made some good progress in only a few months. He has gone from being the kid who refused to try new food (and was slowly eliminating all other familiar food except for cereal, toast and apples) to increased flexibility about trying something different. I haven't made food into an issue and I am slowly and carefully adding further variations/tastes. 

I threw my boy another little challenge today. Spot the difference! 

Anyone else out there having problems over food?

~~*~~

I am linking up with Ethan's Escapes #SSAmazingAchievements.... cos he is so cute! :-)

Embracing change!

We all have our own little routines and familiar patterns that we feel uncomfortable deviating from. I have this compulsive need to floss my teeth each night before brushing my teeth. Miss a night and I feel a little uneasy and am forever moving my tongue around my mouth, feeling for bits that may be caught between my teeth. (Sorry, too much info!). This is standard stuff and let's face it if I miss a night it is not the end of the world. I may feel a little antsy, however, I can shrug it off and say "oh well, I will floss tomorrow morning!"

Throw autism into the mix and it is another story. For years my son could not and would not tolerate any changes in his life, whether it be change of routine, type of food or even driving down an unfamiliar road. I was extremely fixated on keeping the peace; and keeping everything the same in order to prevent my boy from becoming terribly distressed. I didn't like to see my son unhappy and totally out of control of his emotions and unable to regulate himself. It was depressing and absolutely heartbreaking. It was terrible to live in this state, continuously tiptoeing on eggshells to avoid drama.

As time moved on, I learned that it was possible to move on from this way of life. I discovered that I could help my child to overcome his high anxiety and his need for sameness. And, I went with it because the alternative was to stay at home with my son and only have two safe places, home and school with nothing in between. That is not a life. I didn't want to become reclusive and I certainly didn't want my son to remain fixed in his patterns and unable to move forward. I wanted our family to have a regular life as much as possible.

I started introducing changes to my son's routine. I am not talking heavy duty changes. I am talking about the little variations that would be a *tiny* challenge for him. I am talking about putting a pen on the edge of a table and saying to him. "I am just going to leave it there for 5 seconds, it will be fine". During those five seconds I would be giving him reassuring smiles, knowing all the time that he wanted to clear that table because NOTHING was allowed on the table. Five seconds. That is all.

More little changes like;

Adding a tiny piece of carrot to his Spaghetti Bolognaise sauce. "Oh wow, I see some carrot" (it took a good six months before he would eat the carrot, however, he was comfortable with it being there!)
Driving down the wrong road, "Oops, silly me, I have driven the wrong way... but it will be fine"
Getting him familiar with going to ONE coffee shop. Then introducing another coffee shop.
Cutting his toast in different ways and spotlighting the change.
Wrapping his school snack in paper one day, tin foil the next ~ and spotlighting the difference.
Moving his chair to a different place. Sitting next to him. Sitting opposite him, so on and so forth.

I could go on and on.....

These days I have a flexible child who adapts to change very easily and the word 'transition' doesn't enter our vocabulary. He no longer needs a visual schedule and is perfectly fine if I change my plans at a whim. This afternoon, my husband arrived home to pick me up as we needed to collect my car that had been in the garage for the day. Nick was playing on the computer, however, when I called to him "let's go, we going out!" he shut down the computer and came to join us. When we arrived at the garage, it wasn't possible for him to stay in his Dad's car so he came into the showroom with us and waited patiently while everything was sorted out. He showed NO signs of stress over the fact that he was in a brand new place and everything was unfamiliar (except for his old Mum and Dad!). He did not ask for "car". He did not ask for computer, iPad or anything else that he uses to escape. He was a regular kid, out doing chores with his folks. Absolutely brilliant stuff.

I know that we have a long way to go. Food issues are still a problem, however, he has made some lovely 'healthy' progress of late. He is also uncomfortable when in the company of a lot of people, although he is happy to go visiting with us and will quickly make himself at home wherever we go. The iPad helps tremendously in situations like this.

Gone are the days that we had to stay at home. Gone are the days when we had to make arrangements to leave him at home while we went out and about. These days he comes with us and we are no longer a family divided. Of course we make accommodations for him, we also do the same for his brother. Our life may not be the same as Mr and Mrs Joe Soap with their regular 2.5 children who live down the road, however, this is our life and we are making the most of it.

Little changes have made our boy more flexible and comfortable with trying new experiences. The little changes are paving the way towards bigger challenges. Slowly and surely, step by little step, we will guide him forward. Watch this space!

Now, where did I put that dental floss?

         ---------------------------------------------------------------

*This post was written for Hopeful Parents. I generally only share the link to my post over at Hopeful Parents, however, today I thought I would add a little change to my regular pattern and share the whole blog post right here!! :-)

Making changes!

This post is for a friend of mine who has the dearest little boy who just happens to be autistic AND he hates change of any sort.

I may irritate a few people with this post, especially the people who advocate keeping.... 

Everything. The. Same. 

We know that children and adults on the spectrum don't like change. We know that there is comfort in rigid patterns. We know that in order to prevent meltdowns it is safer to...

Keep. Everything. The. Same.

We know that it is scary to rock the boat and life is calmer if we... 

Keep. Everything. The. Same.

But, guess what? Life is not static. Life is about change. Life is dynamic. Life is about the unexpected.

I don't think we are doing our children any favours if we...

Keep. Everything. The. Same.

Many years back, Nick was the poster boy for extremely rigid patterns and sheer hatred of change. Tables were cleared with the swipe of an arm. Distressed wails were to be heard if I drove a different route. We relied on visual schedules. If there were chores do be done *outside in the big wide world*, then only one chore was possible, but it was to be done quick sticks, otherwise look out! The list of horrors is too endless to repeat. 

My friend, you say that you don't have a strict schedule at home?  Maybe not, however, I would be willing to bet that your boy has many patterns that you may not be aware of. Let's get real here. We all have our own little schedules. Some of us live by our diaries. Many of us stick to the same old routine of doing.... whatever. BUT, but...... we can adapt to any changes that may occur.  It is not a train smash for us if we are diverted from our original plan. Throw autism into the mix and we have an issue on our hands.

Look at your son's daily routine. What happens with dressing? How is he with breakfast? Does he always sit in the same seat when you drive him to school? Do you drive the same route to school? Does he always have the same lunch box, the same food, the same juice bottle, the same juice? Do you have a regular "bye bye, see you later", pattern? Look at what happens on a daily basis and analysis it. Are the patterns that you see, the same patterns more often than not? 

I really believe that our children are capable of being more adaptable/flexible. The way that we helped Nick to become so receptive to change was to introduce changes to his rigid patterns, slowly and gently, bit by tiny bit. We always made sure to have big fat reassuring smiles on our faces and we kept our voices light and calm. We may have been feeling frustrated/angry/sad etc but never, on any occasion, did we let Nick see this. He needed our reassurance when changes were made and he got it regardless of our own mood.

Whenever a change was being made, we were very mindful of taking Nick to the very edge of his competence and a whisper beyond. 

To give you an example; as mentioned previously, if there was *anything* on the table that didn't belong, then Nick would clear the table. He would get extremely distressed and go into that flight or flight mode. Well, every item would be sent flying onto the floor. Thanks to the guidance from Nick's Speech Therapist, we ensured that we kept the items on the table to a minimum and Nick associated them with what was being done. The tiny change that was made was to place a pen on the table. Needless to say, in the beginning, that pen would go flying... however, over time and with reassurance from us, it became okay to leave the pen there. That pen turned into two pens, then three, then a pen and a book..... I am sure that you get the drift!

The lunch box and all of its items remained the same for years. One day I placed Nick's chips/crisps into a packet and spotlighted the change. A week later, I wrapped the chips/crisps in some greaseproof paper and spotlighted the change. Then I changed the lunch box.......

Nick was stuck on a visual schedule at school and became extremely anxious if we didn't do what was meant to be done. Take away the schedule and he still recalled what was happening *next*. The pattern created was so rigid and so distressing for Nick if not carried out. We started changing this pattern by moving his chair to a slightly different position. If his chair was behind the table, we would place it to the right of the table... and so on and so forth. Eventually we started moving the table to different parts of the room. We then started added tiny variations to the schedule....

Our mantra was *same but different*. This concept comes from Dr Gutstein (RDI). I am not sure if it is still used today, although I think it should be, as it is a goodie! For us, *same but different* meant that we were keeping something the same but adding a small variation... and then another little variation... and then another.

We don't use visual schedules or write up social stories. Transitioning is a non issue. A great example of how flexible Nick has become is an outing that went pear shaped last week.

Our school trip had been planned. The gang were going to the beach front for a walk along the promenade and then they were going to have a picnic on a nice spot of grass overlooking the beach. There were also plans to go and dip a toe in the sea!  Well, the morning started off badly with a bit of rain and loads of ominous looking clouds overhead! Sigh, it looked like the outing was a no no. However, due to some quick thinking (and the discovery of a new playground the previous day) the gang decided to risk the rain and go on the outing BUT change the venue from the beach to the playground. 

The outing was a success (and the rain held off). Nick didn't have a problem with the new plan. He wasn't fazed in the least that he was going somewhere NEW. Good grief, the kid even sat on the roundabout.... a totally new experience.

Dear friend, just do it, try adding tiny variations. You have nothing to lose! Thank you in advance for allowing me to be so bossy!! xx

P.S: I am very aware that I need to do something about Nick's rigid food patterns!!!! ;)