Proactive Pausing

I am all about exposing Nick to different experiences, yet am extremely mindful of my approach. I want to build onto his feelings of competence and thus encourage him to be open to new challenges.

It doesn't matter to me if our interactions only last for a couple of minutes (or even a few seconds). All those tiny increments of time add up and are extremely beneficial.

I find 'pausing' to be a very powerful tool. The space allows Nick the time to process information and respond should he wish to. Here are few examples from yesterday interactions;

* Walking into the grocery store and standing by the trolley bay. I paused and waited. After a few seconds Nick collected a trolley and began to push it.

* Standing by the fruit and making declarative comments. 'We need a pineapple'.  'I wonder what apples Nick would like, hmmmm, red, yellow or green?'.  After each comment I paused and waited. Nick thought about the comment and responded. At times he needed some extra scaffolding, however, he found the items needed.

* Leaving the mall, Nick pushing the trolley. I hold up the parking ticket and wave it around. Nick notices and immediately changes direction and we go to the information counter so that we can get the ticket validated.

* In the car park, I place the parking ticket into the machine. When the ticket pops out, I pause and wait. Within seconds Nick collects the ticket and gives it to me.

* I pretend that I can't open the car boot. I pause and wait. Nick has seen me struggling and he uses that pause to come to my aid.

* When we arrive home, I make a declarative comment about taking the groceries inside. Nick gets out of the car and goes to the car boot. I pause. He opens the boot.

* Nick is sitting on the couch with his iPad. I sit down next to him and make the comment, 'I am making cookies and need to get the ingredients out of the cupboard'. As I walk towards the cupboard, Nick gets up and comes to assist. We seamlessly start up a little pattern of passing items to be put on the countertop.

* Nick has disappeared into another room.  I have started measuring out the ingredients for the cookies. I call out, 'I need some help measuring the flour'. I carry on with what I am doing and after a minute or so, Nick comes to join me.

We have many daily moments like the above, where I deliberately pause in order to invite Nick to play a role. For sure, it would be easier to give him instructions, however, I want him to 'think, process and respond'. My wish is for him to partner with me because he wants do, not because he has been told to.

~*~

"Today, I am talking about the importance of partnering with your child. For some parents, it may come naturally, for others, it may feel challenging at first. I encourage you to partner with your child at least 10 times per day, everyday. It will get easier and you can start out small and always build on your successes in length of time you are partnering or ways in which you partner."   Barbara Avilia

Chips and chores!

I walked through the kitchen, passing Nick, who was sitting on the sofa playing with the iPad. He looked at me and made the sign for "chips". "For sure", I said. "I need some help getting the washing off the line and then I can get the chips". Nick shook his head, "no". I shrugged my shoulders, grabbed the washing basket and headed to the washing line at the bottom of the garden.

I re-entered the kitchen with the fully loaded basket on my hip and placed it on the floor. Nick asked me again for some "chips". "Oh dear" I replied, "but you didn't come to help me with the washing".

I pause and wait for approximately twenty seconds.

Nick jumps up from the sofa, holds one side of the basket and waits for me to pick up the other side. Together we carry it to the table. I fold a cloth and pass it to Nick, indicating with my eyes where it should be put. We continue with this giver/putter routine for three items. 

When I have finished folding the washing, I give Nick a small bowl of chips.

~*~

This little story may sound a bit mundane, however, I want to spotlight our 'conversation'. 

Nick engaged with me and made a request. 

I approved his request, yet also made my own request. Using declarative language, I invited him to assist me (and dangled a little carrot chip to entice him!). 

Nick decided that he didn't want to help, which was fair enough. I collected the washing without him.

Nick made a further request for chips, however, I felt that it was important to express why I didn't think he should have any. 

Nick then had a bit of an 'AHA' moment and of his own accord made a plan to win those chips. He decided to come and help me. Smart boy.

I made sure to only fold three items, as didn't want to turn the experience into a chore.

I also didn't want to hand over the chips immediately as a 'reward', therefore I finished folding the clothes before getting him the chips.

*A simple interaction that gave me the opportunity to encourage Nick to think for himself and make his own choices. 

What a good mother!!

Sigh, I am not so good at being a mum who supplies ready baked cookies for school lunch boxes! In fact I am down right useless! Nick doesn't eat any type of biscuit or cake, which is a bit of a bonus considering his really bad diet! The other kid of mine will munch his way through anything and he often throws me a little line that makes my mother guilt rise to the surface! 

I eyed up the three very over ripe bananas that had been sitting on the bench for the last few days. Bleurgh, no way would they be eaten and it would be a waste to throw them out! Time to make a plan (and appease my guilt!)

I haven't done much with Nick over the last few days as the poor kid has been a bit under the weather with a head cold. However, he did perk up today so I took advantage of this and wrote up four (yes, four!) planned engagements for us to do together. All easy stuff with a hint of a challenge!

#1. First up, I chatted to Nick about a shopping list. I suggested an item that we needed to buy and he then typed the word using his Lightwriter. The challenge for him was to wait for me to acknowledge the word that he had typed and then WAIT for me to write it down on a piece of paper. The waiting is hard for Nick as he tends to type a word and then quickly erase it! The challenge was successful, although I did keep the engagement short and only focused on five words (without being too bothered with the spelling).

Hah, Nick can spell 'butter'.... I never knew! :)

#2  With shopping list in hand, we then headed off to the supermarket for our next planned engagement. Grocery shopping is a breeze for Nick, although of late I have been a bit slack about adding variation to our little routines. Usually I will pass an item to Nick and he will put it in the trolley, however, this time he needed to be aware of what I was saying and where I was looking, in order to choose the correct item and then GIVE it to me! 

#3 Fast forward to later in the day. We needed to peel the bananas to add to the other ingredients and the video clip below shows how we went about this.  




#4  Last but not least, we then had to remove the cooked Banana Bread from the baking tin and then peel off the paper. Nick has never done this before and he was an absolute champ, although he wasn't too keen on the *feel* of the greasy paper! 

So, there you have it. Four planned engagements that were very simple and just enough of a challenge in order for Nick to learn further. Four opportunities for me to practice guiding my boy to *think* for himself. And one freshly baked Banana Bread for my first born!! 

~*~

I read this short ARTICLE today and wanted to share it for those of you who are interested in learning further about RDI. 

Power of the pause..

I have been guiding Nick on how to make his own toast.

Yes, I know that he is nearly 14 and I should have done this years ago! 

Pah, such is life!

I have chosen to guide him the RDI way.

For sure, it would be a lot easier for me to tell him what to do....

"Hey, Nick!"

1. Get the bread from the cupboard and the butter from the fridge

2. Open the packet

3. Take out a slice of bread and put it in the toaster

4. Take out another slice of bread and put it in the toaster.

5. Turn on the toaster

6. Wait for the bread to toast

7. Take the bread out of the toaster

8.  Butter the toast

9. Cut the toast

No problem, he could do this as easy as pie (except butter the toast).

HOWEVER, would he be thinking about what he is doing? Would he be planning his next step? What if he dropped a piece on the floor and it was quickly snapped up by the dog? Would he be able to make his toast independently without any prompts? 

Hence, I chose to guide him the RDI way, to encourage him to think for himself, to make his own decisions and to also learn from his mistakes.

I decided to take each step of the process slowly and at Nick's pace, although always being mindful about giving him a little challenge... taking that one extra step past his level of competence. We have been doing great and after a few days we have reached the *butter the toast* stage. 

I must share with you that we hit a little bump in the process... around Number 6. As in, we had to wait for the toast to cook! Young Nick is not really used to hanging around while the toast is cooking. He generally races over to the stereo and turns on his music. He then grabs some magazines, plonks himself down on the couch and flips through the mags as he listens to the music!

This time his old mum (that's me!) put a spanner in his spokes. As the toaster was turned on, he indicated that he was going to turn on the music. I didn't say, "no". I didn't say, "stay here". I said, "I am waiting for the toast to cook!". Well, would you believe it, he decided to stay with me!

He didn't find it easy to hang around the toaster and during that very first attempt of *waiting for the toast to cook*, he did hop around a bit and get a little stressed. I made the occasional declarative comment...."the toast is cooking", "the toast is nearly ready". At no time did I tell him to, "stay". 

Voilà, sure enough, Nick was still there when the toast popped. His choice! :)

It was a challenge for him..... it was his edge plus one.

Fast forward a couple of days and we reach the reason for this blog post. 

Waiting for the toast to cook was no longer a challenge for Nick. He felt competent with waiting. He knew that I wasn't going to push him too far beyond his level of competence and he was also in tune with the comments that I made every now and then. 

How did I fill in that gap, the waiting period?

I paused......

Lovely things happen when I pause.

Special things that make the activity much more about the engagement than the actual cooking of the toast. 

It's a win win, really...

A wonderful opportunity to engage with each other.

And then, yummy toast at the end!

RDI ~ changing my style of communication

I have been reflecting on my role as Nick's parent and how we have progressed over the years!

If I think back to six years ago I was very much the carer of my child. I fed him, bathed him, wiped his bum and tried to keep him happy. I drove him to school and placed him in the very capable hands of his teacher. I was the regular taxi mum and without fail took him to Speech Therapy, Physiotherapy and Occupational Therapy. I was a star. I did a *good job*.

Why did I try to keep him happy? 

My boy hated any form of change. He was extremely anxious. He couldn't cope with noise and/or unexpected noises. He needed his rigid little patterns. EVERYTHING had to be the same. He would get very stressed it we added a teeny tiny variation. We couldn't take him anywhere. Life for him was stressful. Life for me as his mother was exhausting. I seemed to be on a permanent merry-go-round and unable to get off. Life was fast, extremely busy and without reprieve. 

I found it far easier to let my boy be in control and to do as he pleased ~ rather than rock the boat and suffer the consequences!  I was a star. I did a *good job*..... or did I?

Roll in RDI (you knew I was going to say that, right?).

I did a lot of reading and learned a few titbits that I started to apply with Nick. (This was before we got involved with a consultant).

I stopped talking *at* him. I stopped telling him what to do. I stopped prompting him. In fact I shut up and became more non-verbal. I learned that eye contact was not something to be trained. It was more important (and meaningful) that Nick learned to reference my face and body language for information. I love that we have this in place. We can be at the supermarket and Nick will wander off, however, he is constantly checking to see where I am and also monitoring my reaction ~ am I okay that he is exploring, do I need him to come back, do I need help unloading the groceries...

I became mindful about the use of pausing and then waiting for Nick to react. His processing time was slow, therefore I waited.... and waited some more. Not 5 seconds, not 10 seconds BUT at least 45 seconds. I still use this concept and it works a treat. Nick is now much more capable of thinking for himself and his processing time has also increased dramatically. I could be waiting at the car, holding one half of a heavy bag of groceries and Nick will look to me, I shrug my shoulders and look at the bag. He will generally process this information and then come and hold the other half of the bag and we then carry it together...

I learned the value of cutting back on imperative language and placing more emphasis on being more declarative. Phew, this took ages to get used to. Let's face it, we are naturally imperative..... "What did you do at school today". "Pass the salt". "What colour is that?". However... and this is a big HOWEVER! Due to the fact that I have been using more experience sharing language and *inviting* a response, Nick has really come to the party. Again, he is thinking for himself, making his own decisions and responding if he wants to, not because he has to. This is a boy who was unable to do anything without a direct prompt. 

I found that chanting helped Nick transition and distract him from a stressful situation. This is another beauty. As mentioned previously, Nick couldn't cope with change of any sort. Heaven forbid that I wanted him to get out of the car when we got to the supermarket! The screaming, the crying and the pinching.... extreme distress. What I used to do was hold his hand and gently start swinging our hands in a nice calm regular pattern.... and I would chant at the same time, "walking, walking, walking". I still use chanting at times as it helps Nick to focus on what we are doing. I love how this helps him. (*Please note that getting Nick back out into the community was a very slow and gentle process!)

Self talk: I like this concept because I am highlighting my thoughts about what I am doing and what is happening. Nick is learning about *my* thinking process. I am now so good at this that I find myself talking aloud in the middle of the supermarket ~ not so cool when I am by myself!   

The above are just a few concepts that come to mind. It is all common sense really.... it is the putting into practice that makes a difference. We have the following picture at school... it is a great reminder for us all to be mindful about how we interact and engage with the children.

Oops, have just seen the time.... gotta go collect Nick from school. Have a great weekend. x