Taking a little break...

September has rolled around yet again and it is time to pack our bags and head off on our yearly adventure. If you have been following this blog for a while, you will know that Nick doesn't *do* travelling.

I have been throwing around a few titles to describe how I feel about taking off and leaving my boy at home......

Damned if I do and damned if I don't

Am I an awful mother for leaving my child in the care of others? How could I fly off into the wild blue yonder and leave him behind? How can I leave him in a country where we have no relatives to come to his aid? (The nearest being Zimbabwe). Is it terribly appalling to take this leap every year and hope for the best? 

What about me, my hubs and our first born?..... We love travelling and to be deprived of this may cause resentment. Our first born also needs time with us and in all honesty he doesn't get as much attention as his younger brother. This is the one time that we can be together without the added responsibility of Nick. As much as we adore our Nick, we do need time out!

Putting myself first

If you know me personally, you will be aware that I spend a lot of time with Nick. It may not always be productive, however, I am there for him. The only break I get during the week is when he is at school and it is very rare for me not to be at that school gate to collect him at 12.30pm. I don't begrudge having my boy with me and I make good use of my mornings to ensure that I do get some *me* time! There are days when I start to feel a little antsy and I know that I need a block of time away from my day to day routine. Yes, I feel it is important to put myself first (occasionally!), after all I am going to be parenting Nick for a very long time, far longer than what I originally planned. 


If I had a bucket list (and my mission statement for Nick)

This could also be titled... so many countries, so little time!
I blame my parents for my love of travel. My Welsh Dad went to sea at the age of 15 and travelled the world. My English Mum immigrated to New Zealand when she was 21 ~ it was a toss up between NZ and Canada! Mum met Dad on the ship to NZ and after 5 weeks (5 weeks, people!) Dad proposed! To cut a long story short, they settled in NZ and had 4 daughters. Very sadly, my Dad passed away too young ~ the very last time I spoke to him was to tell him that I was getting married. I miss him. A lot.

Back to the bucket list. I haven't made one, although if I do, I would have to include the following;
* Take Nick on a 2 hour plane trip for a family weekend away.
* Take Nick to Zimbabwe (by plane) to visit family.
* Take Nick to New Zealand to visit family (gulp).
* Me and the hubs to take Nick to the USA, hire a camper van and do a bit of touring (double gulp).

Bye bye boy!

Each time we go away I leave behind a letter of wishes. It is horrible to put together, however, very necessary. It is certainly not a professional letter, more a quick note on what to do and who to contact if we don't make it home! This post is ringing bells for me..... I dare not look at last year's post just in case it reads exactly the same as this one. Anyway, the letter and Nick's passport are all organised and I have placed them in my junk drawer.

It goes without saying that I am so excited about our trip, although very sad that we have to leave Nick at home. I do feel comfort that he will be well looked after and in my heart of hearts I know that he is happiest at home.

~*~

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” - Lao Tzu

RDI ~ changing my style of communication

I have been reflecting on my role as Nick's parent and how we have progressed over the years!

If I think back to six years ago I was very much the carer of my child. I fed him, bathed him, wiped his bum and tried to keep him happy. I drove him to school and placed him in the very capable hands of his teacher. I was the regular taxi mum and without fail took him to Speech Therapy, Physiotherapy and Occupational Therapy. I was a star. I did a *good job*.

Why did I try to keep him happy? 

My boy hated any form of change. He was extremely anxious. He couldn't cope with noise and/or unexpected noises. He needed his rigid little patterns. EVERYTHING had to be the same. He would get very stressed it we added a teeny tiny variation. We couldn't take him anywhere. Life for him was stressful. Life for me as his mother was exhausting. I seemed to be on a permanent merry-go-round and unable to get off. Life was fast, extremely busy and without reprieve. 

I found it far easier to let my boy be in control and to do as he pleased ~ rather than rock the boat and suffer the consequences!  I was a star. I did a *good job*..... or did I?

Roll in RDI (you knew I was going to say that, right?).

I did a lot of reading and learned a few titbits that I started to apply with Nick. (This was before we got involved with a consultant).

I stopped talking *at* him. I stopped telling him what to do. I stopped prompting him. In fact I shut up and became more non-verbal. I learned that eye contact was not something to be trained. It was more important (and meaningful) that Nick learned to reference my face and body language for information. I love that we have this in place. We can be at the supermarket and Nick will wander off, however, he is constantly checking to see where I am and also monitoring my reaction ~ am I okay that he is exploring, do I need him to come back, do I need help unloading the groceries...

I became mindful about the use of pausing and then waiting for Nick to react. His processing time was slow, therefore I waited.... and waited some more. Not 5 seconds, not 10 seconds BUT at least 45 seconds. I still use this concept and it works a treat. Nick is now much more capable of thinking for himself and his processing time has also increased dramatically. I could be waiting at the car, holding one half of a heavy bag of groceries and Nick will look to me, I shrug my shoulders and look at the bag. He will generally process this information and then come and hold the other half of the bag and we then carry it together...

I learned the value of cutting back on imperative language and placing more emphasis on being more declarative. Phew, this took ages to get used to. Let's face it, we are naturally imperative..... "What did you do at school today". "Pass the salt". "What colour is that?". However... and this is a big HOWEVER! Due to the fact that I have been using more experience sharing language and *inviting* a response, Nick has really come to the party. Again, he is thinking for himself, making his own decisions and responding if he wants to, not because he has to. This is a boy who was unable to do anything without a direct prompt. 

I found that chanting helped Nick transition and distract him from a stressful situation. This is another beauty. As mentioned previously, Nick couldn't cope with change of any sort. Heaven forbid that I wanted him to get out of the car when we got to the supermarket! The screaming, the crying and the pinching.... extreme distress. What I used to do was hold his hand and gently start swinging our hands in a nice calm regular pattern.... and I would chant at the same time, "walking, walking, walking". I still use chanting at times as it helps Nick to focus on what we are doing. I love how this helps him. (*Please note that getting Nick back out into the community was a very slow and gentle process!)

Self talk: I like this concept because I am highlighting my thoughts about what I am doing and what is happening. Nick is learning about *my* thinking process. I am now so good at this that I find myself talking aloud in the middle of the supermarket ~ not so cool when I am by myself!   

The above are just a few concepts that come to mind. It is all common sense really.... it is the putting into practice that makes a difference. We have the following picture at school... it is a great reminder for us all to be mindful about how we interact and engage with the children.

Oops, have just seen the time.... gotta go collect Nick from school. Have a great weekend. x